


Too Close To Home

by Angel_made_of_scars



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Sonny and John
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:02:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel_made_of_scars/pseuds/Angel_made_of_scars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The case hits too close to home for Dean and brings back a bad habit. When they didn't have food Dean would give it to Sam. He didn't feel like he deserved it. Now even when Sam tells him to eat, he refuses. Cas tries to pull him back from the dark place he's put himself in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Close To Home

"But Sam says-" Cas argued, cut off by Deans voice.  
"I don't care what Sam says! I'm fine!" Dean snapped.  
"Sam says you aren't eating." Cas blurted out. Dean went silent on the line, while Cas grabbed a pen and wrote a note to put on the counter at the gas station.  
"Come pick me up Dean." Cas said sternly. Dean growled and hung up, then went to the car.  
The ride back to the bunker was silent and tense. Cas kept glancing over at Dean and Dean was pointedly ignoring him.  
"Dean you have to eat." Cas said once they were inside.  
"Cas- I'm fine alright? We don't have money, we run credit card scams and play poker for money. We're in hiding. We can't go play poker. We can't get credit accounts. And I'm just not hungry. When I'm hungry I'll eat." Dean insisted. Cas just nodded and went along with it. Although he was worried when Sam bought a pie and Dean just turned over in bed, ignoring the figure in the door. It was clear that he needed food, he was dizzy and shaky, but he still refused.  
"Dean, you have to eat!" Cas insisted. Dean just scowled and twisted as his stomach clenched in hunger once again.  
"Dean, why are you doing this?" Cas asked gently, sitting on the side of his bed. Dean clenched his jaw and by doing so, he started seeing stars.  
"C-Can I have some juice?" Dean asked quietly. Cas nodded and ran to get it and when he came up Dean was breathing frantically.  
"Just drink this, it's low blood sugar, it'll pass." Cas encouraged.  
"I know Cas- I've done it before-" Dean growled, balling his fists when he realized what he had said. After a few minutes Cas spoke up.  
"Why are you upset?" Cas asked gently. Dean groaned and turned over towards him, but didn't speak for a minute.  
"I guess this case hit too close to home..." Dean muttered.  
"Why aren't you eating?" Cas asked.  
"Because it's habit ok?! That's how I always lived and going back to somewhere I considered home-" Dean stopped, taking a deep breath and looking away.  
"I didn't matter then, I don't matter now." Dean nearly whispered, looking away. Cas blinked in surprise and before he could stop it the emotions of a human came out. Tears started falling and his lip quivered.  
"You matter to m-me Dean." Cas whimpered, clearing his throat in an attempt to gain control.  
"No I don't Cas- I screw up everything. Sam needs the food and money and the bunker more then me. You could live here too-" Dean said sternly, not looking up.  
"I don't want to. Not without you." Cas said angrily, a tear falling off his face slowly. Now Dean was angry and stood up to get face-to-face.  
"Cas, you don't need me around. I know you think you do, but you don't. No one does." Dean whispered the last part.  
"I do Dean! My life before saving you was something without emotion of feeling or pain, and yet the pain is what makes me feel alive. Lets me feel like I'm still here! I need you here!" Cas yelled.  
"No you don't! If my own damn father didn't then you-" Dean screamed, stopping quickly. His face went from anger to hurt shock and he slowly sat back down. Cas stepped back in surprise and watched as Dean put his head in his hands. When he pulled up his face was red and he wouldn't look at Cas.  
"Dean?" Cas whispered.  
"Dammit Cas, you had to make me say that didn't you... I guess you want an explanation." Dean fake smiled. Cas nodded and sat down beside him on the bed, their legs touching.  
"I was 16... I messed up... Lost the money me and Sammy had for food... And dad was coming home... So I went to the store and I stole bread and peanut butter... A cop saw me. I ran. He caught me. They called my dad and he said... I went to the boys home. My wrists were cut up. Sonny asked if the handcuffs did it, and I didn't lie. I said it was a werewolf. He didn't even blink. He accepted it. I stayed for two months, fell in love for the first time, and then I had to leave. My dad drove up on the night I was suppose to take the girl I fell in love with to a dance. He took me with no questions asked, then when we drove away he just had this hate in his eyes. It lasted for days..." Dean admitted sadly.  
"Dean... What did your father say to the police?" Cas asked quietly. When Dean looked away Cas put a hand on his knee.  
"Cas I-" Dean choked up, not able to talk without losing control. Cas understood that and when he found Deans balled up fist, he gently took it. He pried his fist open and held it, running his thumb over the back.  
"He told them to let me rot in jail..." Dean choked out.  
"I was 16 Cas! I was trying to get food for my 12 year old brother! Sure, he was 12, he was adult enough not to die, but he was still playing with toys and watching cartoons! I had to look out for him when his own damn father wouldn't! And he told them to let me rot in jail! And sometimes, when I think about when dad went missing and I went after him with Sam... I sometimes think it would have been better to let HIM rot in wherever he was. Maybe then Sam would have been home to save Jess, they would have had kids! I could find my wife, hell I could have married Lisa! I still don't doubt that Ben is my son! But I can't... I'm not good enough... Not even good enough for my own father..." He whispered.  
"Yes you are Dean. You're good. You're a good person. You deserve to be happy. You are good enough. You're were good enough for Bobby, so much so that he stayed behind as a spirit. You're good enough for Kevin to look up to after everything that's happened to him. You're good enough for Sam because you're such a loving brother and would give your life. And there's so much more. You don't think you're good enough, you think you don't deserve a family, but that's because you've never known what a family is. It's this, it's what you have here... It's what I don't have..." Cas mumbled.  
"Cas... If this is a family, you're a part of it. You're always a part of this family." Dean said honestly. After a minute it went into a tense silence.  
"Cas... You were listing reasons I was good enough for people... And you keep saying you need me... Why?" Dean asked shyly. Cas blushed and looked away.  
"I saved you from hell Dean... We have a bond, even through human energy. And I don't know what it is... But when you tear yourself down I get this... Feeling... Like I have to put you back together... And I-" Cas was cut off by Deans hand on his cheek and his lips against Deans. He felt like a spark shot through him and he shut his eyes, melting into the kiss. He relaxed and when they started to fall over he laid back so Dean was half on top of him. Finally they broke apart, Deans face red and his forehead against Cas'. They both stayed still at first, their breaths hitting each others faces. When Cas' eyes finally slid open, his eyes were dilated and he wasn't sure what to say. Instead he went with what he always saw on tv. He kissed Dean back. He sat up with a hand on each side of his face and kissed him carefully. This time Dean was the one who relaxed first, his eyes shutting and body going limp in Cas' grip. After a minute Dean breathed out quickly and Cas pulled back. Deans eyes were filled with tears and he was starting to cry.  
"I don't feel important Cas... I hear you saying I'm important but I can't make myself believe that... I don't deserve a family... I don't deserve you..." Dean cried, tears falling from his face. Cas sighed in pity and pulled Dean up on the bed, then into a hug.  
"You're important to me Dean. I want you... I need you... I wouldn't be alive without you... I wouldn't WANT to be alive without you..." Cas admitted. Dean was crying harder now, his face pressed unashamedly into Cas' chest. When Dean couldn't stop, Cas went for the only thing he could think of that would comfort him.  
"I love you Dean... At least I think I do... I believe that's what it is... And I need you to know that no one wants you gone. I want you with me..." Cas admitted nervously. By now Dean had become quiet.  
"Say it again..." Dean whispered, tears still falling from his face.  
"I-I love you..." Cas said shyly. Dean smiled and sniffed, trying to hide the tears as he shut his eyes and kissed him firmly on the lips. Cas smiled into it and despite the fact that Dean never would say those words he knew Dean meant it. But Dean shocked him.  
"I love you too Cas..." Dean said quickly, blushing and grabbing his hand. Needless to say, when he went downstairs, he was ready to eat.


End file.
